To be or not to be...

on H1B visa... is the question that has been hovering on my mind constantly for the past few months. I have been very passionate about my work pre-Chinipie days and knew that after the first few months, when the baby needs you the most, I would definitely join back. And then, when my pregnancy was almost to the term, we moved from LA to Cleveland. That meant, I had to be completely relieved from the project I was working on through my employer (those who now how the s/w consultancy firms work would understand this). And then, Chinipie entered my world!
The pre-approved maternity leaves for three months, got extended to one more month and then one more and then I realized that my baby is my passion now. I was not ready to join work when very evidently my baby needs me more. Friends and relatives suggested to hire a babysitter/nanny or look for a home day-care or Indian baby-sitters if I were not okay with leaving her in the expensive and bigger day-cares where the staff is usually very over worked (and underpaid). But, the very thought of just leaving the baby with somebody else was very un-appetizing to me. How can somebody else take care of her needs as I do? They can change her diapers, feed her, play with her at times, put her to sleep, but how can they give the emotional support that only me, her mom can? How can they be the primary care giver? And then, the germs and diseases that she would be exposed to at such a tender age. To this, some of my friends added that their are other babies who go survive all this and adapt themselves, sooner or later, and now-a-days, it is very acceptable. Of course, they meant well and advised what they thought was the best. But, I just could not come to the terms of entrusting her in somebody else's hands for the whole day. One can argue that it's just a matter of few hours. But I see it as the whole day. Chinipie sleeps at around 9 in the night and gets up at 6 in the morning. If I go to work, this would mean that I need to dress her up, dress myself up and the casual mornings that we enjoy together would no longer be the same. Evenings, when I would bring her back while returning from work, would be spent in cooking and preparing for the next day. A little time to play, perhaps. This would mean that she would be home only to sleep!?! when she doesn't even go to the school or the college! Nopes, I just cannot come to the terms of this very idea.

And then the factor that if I join back work, it would be in an entirely new city, a new project/client location, a completely new team with new set of people who might or might not understand my need to leave on-time (s/w professionals are known to work over-hours) or early some days (when she would have to be picked up early) or take offs for that matter (in case she is not well, which I hear is a common for young babies who go to the day care. What justice would I be doing to my work? to myself? to Chinipie? I know, for sure, NONE!
More often than not, there are days when the unwashed dishes lie in the sink, the bed is waiting to be made up, the toilets to be cleaned, house to be vacuumed or at least tidied up, table-mats to be wiped, me yet to take bath, or cook food or eat for that matter. And I am busy feeding her, nursing her, bathing her, cooing her or just playing with her. I wait for her to go to sleep so that I get some time to do the chores or at the least cook something for myself and eat. And on such days, Chinipe just refused to go to sleep. She would take a short nap while nursing and as soon as I try to put her down, she would get up -all fresh and ready to play. All that I manage to do on such days is ZILCH! Neither do I enjoy with her completely, nor am I able to finish any of the tasks. When this happened more than a couple of times, I figured out that everything else can wait but these moments with Chinipie cannot! And I knew that all I want to do for now, is enjoy with her.

And this is when I decided that I do not want to go back to to work until she is independent. My current employers cannot keep me on H1B without being on the payroll (I have been on a leave without pay) for longer. So, they have asked me to get my visa converted to H4, a dependent visa, so that they can have my leaves approved, me being an offshore employee. This is what brought another dilemma. First it was, whether to join back the work and then it is, whether to stay on H1B or not? If I lose my H1B status, I would not be able to go back to work when I wish coz the whole process of getting another work visa is quite a lengthy one. And if I want to stay on H1B, either a find another employer (who would not want to hire someone who is not on payroll and then the H1B harassments is so common. I just do not want to fall in the wrong hands) or if I choose to stay with my current one, I have to join back work and try to take a transfer to this new city, which in itself is a big head-ache and joining back work, is anyways what I have decided not to. So, all in all, this is so much jumbled up. All this thinking has been eating my head and then I decided to vent it out, here, in my space, today.

And as I am writing this, I know which one I am going for. Any guesses?

Yep! it is the H4!! Whatever it takes to keep my Chinipie happy and healthy, I am in for it!! After all, my first priority is my baby, everything else can wait!!