Pushing vs. Encouraging - identifying the fine line

Scenario 1 - Sugar and Chini are enrolled for the swim lessons. While Chini is enthusiastic about it, sugar has been quiet. She becomes clingy as soon as we enter the swim zone and just before the very first lesson throws up. Thankfully, she hadn't entered the pool so it's just outside. Nevertheless, I could tell that she is scared as she was not even letting me take her to the shower room to clean up for the fear of me leaving her again. There was no point of pushing her for the lesson again so after changing, I took her back to the swim area and instead of sitting on the pavilion, We went straight to the lessons area and let her see how each kid , including her oder sister was enjoying. All the while, mom's mind was apprehensive whether she's being pushy and the child is not ready yet. On giving it much thought and talking with other moms and grandmas and teachers, the mom realized that she actually and done the best thing by taking Sugar back to actually watch the other kids. So mom decided to give it one more try with no snacks 2 hours strictly prior to the swim time. And Voila! It worked. Not only does sugar now enjoy the swim lessons but actually looks forward to them.

Inference: sometimes, just a little tweaking and talking, of course, turns out a huge positive encouragement and puts a mom's mind to rest.


Scenario 2 -  Sugar and Chini are, finally, signed up for ice-skating lessons. They have been pleading for ages to join these classes. They are all decked up and super-excited. By the end of the first lessons, they have fallen so many number of times, that their spirits ate dampened. Mom talked to them how they had learnt walking as a baby and similar stories to encourage them. Towards the second week, Sugar has all forgotten about the first episode and is as enthusiastic as the last time but Chini develops this fear of hurting her nose or face(though she hd fallen last week on her bottoms every time). She actually had surprisingly one very well, inspite of the fact that those were her very first lessons on the ice. She had actually marched to retrieve the marker successfully thrown about two feet away from her starting point, without even falling once! Still, for some reason, she was afraid the second week and had declared just before the lessons that the only thing she was good at was standing still on the ice and guess what? To momma's horror, that's exactly what she did for full 35 minutes! No amount of cajoling, pampering(the coach carried her in his arms while he skated throughout the rink, in hopes that she would warm up!), taking, encouraging deter her! Horror of horrors, momma had never thought that her Chini would mean and act those words( of staying still) quite literally. The coach finally brought her out for some rest and some one on one time with the mom and said be would be back for her in the after ten minutes. On being asked, she said she had changed her mind and didn't want to learn ice-skating anymore. So, mom should cancel the lessons. Too bad, mom could actually visualize her two hundred dollars flushing down the drain. Nah! Just kidding. Mom tried to work her brains quickly and started thinking of all the peppy things, she could. But No! This time nothing was bound to work. Finally mom said, that as this course was already signed up for, it couldn't be cancelled and at the end, if Chini still didn't like it, she will not sign her up for the next session. But until then, she will have to give it a fair try and follow the coach's instructions. But NO. Mom's little adamant daughter didn't want to give anything to it. Not a try. Nothing. Finally, mom had no choice but to pull the last thread.
No try would mean some consequence. 
Give me any consequence, I don't care.
 Okay. So are you ready? 
Yes! 
No try would mean no electronics, no TV, no iPad for entire one week till the next lesson. 
That's not fair! 
Well, it is what it is. You chose it.

And lo and behold, she walked hand in hand with the coach as soon as he came for her, with a smile. And this time, she did march! Those baby marching steps, without falling, with a smile on her face all the time!


Inference: when you know your child can do it and has done it before, being a little hard on them, is definitely, not pushing.

And as soon as she was done, she came out and asked,

So do I get the iPad now.

The mom would have said yes but then it struck her, that her smart Chini might use it as 'only one trial is enough' and the message would be lost. So she decided to stick with the consequence, and said the next week when she tries and tries through the entire class, then she would get it back.

As soon as, we reached home, her smarty pants daughter said, 'I won't watch any episode or play games on the ipad. But I really need to order a book from the library. So, can I have e ipad for that purpose, at least?' 

NO! 
But Why?
BecAuse no ipad means NO iPAD!
Okay.

Before you think her reason was just, let me tell you what exactly would have happened had I said yes. She wud hv started with the library thing. Coincidently, at that very time sugar would have  wandered close-by. Would have snatched iPad from the older sis and despite all her warnings and protests, would have put on some episode. Which both would have been happily watched.

Been that route already. Have burnt my fingers, many a times. You see. ;)

Your Country My Country Your Culture My Culture

Images above have been randomly picked from an internet images source.


This post was originally scheduled for 26th January.

Jai Hind repeated Chinipie and Sugarbun after me. But what is a republic day mom. On being told that it's the day when the Constitution of India had come into effect. Like the american Constitution? On an affirmative, she gets excited and goes on to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. After being duly applauded, she goes on Does your country has a Pledge as well? 

Sounds shocking, isn't it? The first time I had heard it, I had taken quite a number of days to stand on my two wobbly feet again w/o any fear of fainting. I had thanked God for providing me with super-strong and healthy cardiovascular muscles to have been able to endure such blows to my very Indian Mom Heart. It was the summers of 2012 and the London Olympics had started. An exception had been made and the girls were allowed to stay up until late night to watch he beautiful opening ceremony. They had enjoyed every bit of the nurses dance, the Harry Potter, Mary Poppins, James Bond and the Queen. Later, when the parade had commenced, they had watched in awe as each country's sportspersons had held their flag, their cauldron and were in their traditional attire. After sometime, Chinipie had asked,
 "when's our country coming, mumma?"  
Without giving it much thought, the mom had said,
"we are on 'G' right now. Since it's alphateically, after H will come I and only then India's team will come." 
Without missing a snap, she had said,
"That's your country. When's my country coming? "
As mom was checking that her feet were still planted on earth and that her heart was still where it should have been, albeit a bit broken, she realized that Chinipie was still speaking,
"It should have been in the beginning as America starts with 'A'."
" yes momma. america starts with A." Sugarbun had chimed in.
After having gathered those little pieces of her heart, mom had gathered her wits too and replied,
"Actually the full name isUnited States of  America. So you will have to wait until the letter 'U' " and being a mom, she had made them recite theor alphabet.
Seemingly unaware of mom's plight, they had soon jumped up seeing the tricolor on the tv screen,
"Look mumma! That's your country's flag. I really like the yellow saree the girls are wearing. But what's that yellow thing on the boys' head? Yeah! Go India Go! Mommy that's your country! I am so excited"
Though, with a bleeding heart, momma took consolation in the fact that at least the apple of her eyes knew the tricolor flag and were actually cheering for her country, India.

It did take a while to sink in but now momma has learnt to take a pride when her wittle darlings come back from school and insist to know more about 'your country and your culture'. Mommy is proud that she is teaching her kids to keep an open and learning mind and appreciate each nation's culture, regard the differences and most importantly to salute the FLAG of each country. Seeing the US flag on their playroom floor once, she had asked them to pick it up and had gently told them, that we should make sure that we never trample the flag with our feet. Incidentally, there was a guest, who had quipped, "so what. It's not India's flag." Mom had tried to control her temper over such an insensitive remark and made sure her girls would not listen to any such nonsense and learn to be a part of this whole global community, we call the world with all the due respect. After all, there's some truth in Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam.

What would you do? Not all of us are raising our kids in our beloved India. How do you think we should raise responsible, respectful and yet not confused children? 

I do need some help here coz I face scenarios when I have guests at home who quite insensibly remark on the number of Indian flags at my home vs the American. It takes me to muster all self-control not to remind them that I have never seen any Indian flag at their home and gently diverge the topic from there. I am really proud the way I am raising my kids. They speak, though not very fluently, and undstand Hindi. They know much about the Indian national symbols as well as the American ones. So when people remark that my kids have an American accent, I all but smile, rather than saying, "they don't. We are the ones with accent." Or " what wud u think ur kids are going to speak when they grow up." There are times, when i stop myself from asking such people, " really? and what do you think your culture is? or what culture you are raising your kid in?" Have you ever faced such  situations? How do you handle those?

How do you grow?

Another one from October:

For school, Chinipie had picked out a dress for herself, which she had outgrown. I avoid removing such dresses from her closet, cause sugar will grow into them and my past experience has been that if I take those dresses away, I completely forget about them until sugar has outgrown them too. And they are, usually in a good condition to be worn as a hand-me-down. Now, on this particular day, Chinipie had picked one of her favorites from late spring/early summer. When I told her that the dress is too little for her, she obviously didn't agree and wanted to wear it. Knowing her very well, I asked her to try it on and see for herself, if she would be comfortable in it. (I use this strategy quite often. good way for them to experiment n learn). After struggling to get into it, she gave up and rather sadly, remarked, "I used to wear it when I had turned 5. I am still 5 and that dress doesn't fit me Anymore." 

"Coz, beta, you are growing."

"Why?"

"Coz we grow each day." 

Why?

"Coz that's how it is.  Every day either we grow or our hair or our nails..."

Picking on it, she started adding, "even our hands, our feet, our fingers."

"Yep. You got it. Now let's get ready for school.  Mommy picked out a dress for you that still fits you."

"Why? Why does is still fit me? I am not tall enough not to fit in that dress yet?"

Yes.

"One day, I will grow up and even this dress will be small for me?"

"Yes."

Getting all teary-eyed, she says, " But I do not want to grow. When I grow, I will have to go away from you. I will not get anymore huggies and kissies from you. I do not want to miss them!"

"Awww my baby. You do not have to grow up that soon. There's a long time to that. Besides, I will always give you hugs n kisses. You will never outgrow them, for sure! "

Seemingly pacified, she started getting dressed, when she again asked, " momma, do all of us grow each day?"

"Yes beta."

"Even the grown ups?"

"Even papa."

"Even you"

"Yes beta."

" So you grow tall like me each day too?"

"No beta. I don't"

"But the other day, I heard you telling papa that one dress didn't fit you anymore.. That it was too little for you..."

Momma, scratching her head, trying to remember, when she wud have assumed herself growing so tall that her dress wudn't fit.....

"Oh! I know. When you are a grown-up, you don't grow tall anymore. Isn't it?"

"Yes beta."

Decidedly, she adds, "you don't grow tall anymore. You grow fat."

??!!!!??

Birthday -a year later

This post is from October.

As I have said umpteen times, birthdays in our house cannot be anything but special. Most of my readers would probably remember how my birthday was an event last year. This time,  While Sugarbun had been singing, "happy birthday to mamma" for a week before and a week after my birthday, Chinipie kept giving me notes, greeting cards, drawings that day. She also made sure that everyone, I met, that day wishes me "a very happy birthday" which included her teachers, karate masters, friends, friends' moms. Which I would say was a little embarassing and a bit solace, in a way,  as the phone ane internet were down that very day! Chinipie had complained about it, " why is the phone not ringing today? why is nobody calling to wish you ?"
 I had tried to soothe her down, " this means I get to spend more time, without any disturbance, with you and sugar".  
She had seemed to digest it well and later, in the night, The girls and the dad decorated the cake baked by yours truly.

We sang the birthday song again and only later, when I was tucking her in bed, Chinipie says, "you know you look the same" 
"when did i look different?" 
" I mean you look exactly the same like last year. You haven't grown older or anything." 
"well thanks, i guess." Now that was a huge compliment, don't you think?
" God really listens to me, you know." 
"He must be dear. You are his child too" 
" no really. I prayed to him not to let anyone of us grow because I do not want to grow up and go away from you." 

Awww my baby... I wish so too..

Updated: see the four corners of the cake? My curious angels couldn't wait for the cake to be cut!!

The world of mommyhood

is not all rosy as it seems..

I wonder when my kids grew up so much right under my nose. It's hard to imagine that when you look at them and see how they depend on you and trust you for everything from what you feed them to where you take them to where you leave them or do not leave them. How a mom is responsible for everything, for their complete mind, body and spirit development right from the beginning. I wonder if I will ever be able to inculcate the responsibility, independence, respect for time and self-love in them as much as I want. For, I believe, The rest of the virtues will follow these three basic ones all by themselves.

Now, before you start wondering if I have lost my mind and am making no sense above, let me tell  you how my morning was. My darling daughters were done with their morning chores while I was busy making breakfast and packing chinipie's lunch. As the sugarbun was going upstairs with all the cheery sunshine, the older one came upto the little one, with her breakfast in one hand and says,"Good Luck with  your nahai-nahai(bath)". Now, this little sugar bundle of mine, for some reason, averts getting into the bath tub as much as she can and then later, gives me a tough time coming out of it as well! As expected, all hell broke loose and I had to carry a wiggling, wailing, kicking sugar upstairs and from taking her nightdress off to putting on that last piece of shoe on her, everything was a huge fight. Believe me, you don't even want to know what happened in between. Only later, when she had her jacket and hat on, did she flash me a smile. Don't blame me,if I was in no mood for smiles after those 15 minutes of the heart-wrenching cries. If you are thinking, that I am lucky to have atleast chinipie, who did everything by herself and was out of the door on time, you have not counted the number of times I had to ask her to stop playing and get dressed up. Oh, and not to forget, in the middle of getting ready, she suddenly decided that she has to re-decorate her room and starting pulling the wall stickers off... why?????? Imagine my shock, when I come to their bedroom with a towel-wrapped, wailing sugarbun, I find chini, on top of her bed, with nothing on but her underpants, pulling off one of the stickers! When I asked what she was doing, she coolly replies, " I have to put it there. It's not looking good here"!!!!! Couldn't I see that already??? I guess  I should have re-phrased and asked her what she was supposed to do and what she was doing instead.



Well, mommies of two or one like me, I know you are not being completely honest, when you say that your kids never put you in situations like this. For, we all know, that's not the truth. None of us have done such good deeds in past to deserve heavenly kids. So, please don't even attempt to.
All you new moms and the mom-to-be's, heartiest congratulations to you. I know I haven't been in touch with you guys for a while, but I am happy for you. After all, why should I be the only one suffering?? ;))
Just kidding. I would, just say, enjoy your sanity and relish the baby-moon phase as long as it lasts..
And yeah, for the term 'baby-moon' - whatever the wiktionary says, according to me.. it only has one meaning - the initial phase of the baby when you feel that mommy-ing is heavenly. Clearly, I am out of it and with a wicked heart, can't wait for you guys, too.

Let's get busy

As we grow, we continue to experiment with our vocabulary, sometimes, to the point of sending momma rolling off to the floor.

The allergies and moustaches

Like sugar who mysteriously grows a moustache anywhere. I got a moustache on my arm. The next day it woud be on her tummy. On asking what is a mustache, she avidly changes the topic.

Recently, she switched to energies(for allergies). She would often be found complaining I got peanut energy to even the minutest dry skin rash/ heat rash  on her and sometimes on momma, too.


Sesame Outing

Ever since chinipie's birthday outing at the sesame place, we have fallen in love with the place and as the summer heat rises up, sugarbun is ready to put on her babing suit and go on to enjoy the rides there. Her favourite one is the roller poster.


The Silence

Is usually threatening as it's guaranteed to mean that they are upto something, which would result in more task for the poor momma. During these times,
Barbies gets a hair cut la-snip-its-style. With hair locks being fed into the toy-machine(the picnic bench with a hole in it) and a toy being thrown out as a reward.

Dental Floss is pulled out to the last string and is used either to decorate the whole house from top to bottom or as a collar and chain for the plush puppies or just to tie up anything and everything. On being questioned, comes the smart reply, "I didn't do it. The other one did it. I just found it and used it". Where else would you see the mantra of  'Reduce, Reuse and Recycle' more aptly followed?


Toilet rolls are used to make waterfalls and the lakes beneath. If momma objects, we try to roll it back. If she doesn't, we remind her to say, "Do not make the waterfall." Really? So all this is done just to get her attention/reaction??

If that's so true, then what about that one time when the entire brand new roll was flushed in the toilet, resulting in an overflow of the past three days of , uhm let's just say, oranic manure.? Was that to get momma busy or to contribute to the environment?

Threats and Consequences

It was the dinnertime. As we have our dinner by 6:30 p.m. most of the days, we do not wait for the dad (who anyways is not home before 8:00 p.m.). In order to calm the kids down, I promised to tell them a story during the meal. I made up an instant one and was rather proud of myself (infact, had thought of publishing it here as well), when chini got inspired and decided that she would also tell me a story. Now, this has been going on for quite some time and the kids were encouraged to come up with their creative/narrative talents. For quite a while they were stuck with the "happily ever after syndrome but were fast developing more skills to story-telling. Sugarbun always starts with "Once upon a time" and ended with "the end", in the middle would be anything from dora to mom, to a puppy to anything she can think of at that moment. Chinipie had started giving twists to the traditional tales, sometimes making a potpourri of many stories together and at times coming up with some of her very own, which was amazing.

But the story she made impromptu today, just shook me up. Though, she has been insisting, ever since, "momma, that's just in my story!", I have not been able to fathom her figment of imagination. And somehow feel, much to the dad's amusement, that somehow my actions and doings have led to it.. guilt. Guilt!

Here it goes, exactly as she said it. Let me know what you think of it..

There was a little girl and her baby brother, who lived with their mommy and daddy. Daddy had gone to office. The kids were playing in their play room, when their mommy asked them to clean up in 10 minutes. When mommy came in the room, it was all messy. Toys and books were all on the floor. So she got very angry and went upstairs to her room and banged the door and locked it. When the dad came home, he pushed open the door and asked what happened; to which she replied that the kids are being very mean. The kids, too, entered the room and then the mommy yelled at them. The policemen came and took mommy away and put her in jail. The kids shouted "yippie" and jumped in the bed all night. Then, the dad joined them, cheering "yippie" too!!

To which I asked, was the mommy wrong in asking the kids to clean up their mess? (I always ask them to!In fact, had asked them to clean up before dinner. Their are time-outs or no story or no play time as a consequence)
Do I ever bang the door or lock it? (I never ever bang the door and shutting any door except the front and the back door and of course, the bathroom doors are against the rules of our house. I wonder, if my locking the bathroom door might have triggered that point coz it's sth new for them. Oh! she had closed her room's door on sugar's face, this afternoon, when sugar had started crying, she had immediately realized her folly. I was in another room and didn't intervene.)
Will you be happy if I go away? Sugar replied that they would be sad while each time, chini kept saying it's just a story!


I do try to be strict with them in certain matters, and talk in a firm,stern voice, sometimes, raising my voice, too(which I regret and am trying to improve upon). And there are threats, consequences, time-outs too, which actually turn out to be very traumatic for all of us. Parenting, as I see, is very challenging and an ever-learning process in which I find myself growing with the kids. But, never, had I thought that I am bad at it. Probably, I am thinking too much. Probably, being closer to 5, chini is at a stage where she is constantly inquiring and experimenting with lots of idea around her/in her mind.

For instance, this was the conversation yesterday:
Momma, trying to get sugar to do something: (in a stern voice)
I want you to come here, right now!
Chini, sitting close-by, looks up from her book,
what will you do?
Let her come here first.
no but, what will you do if she doesn't come?
I will get upset.
Then? Then, what will you do?
I will be very upset.
If you get upset, what will you do? Will you hit her?
NO!! We don't raise our hands when we get upset. That's not the right thing. Have I ever hit you?
AFter some thinking,Yes! this morning, when I was getting ready.
Honey! that was an accident! I was trying to reach ur shoes when that happened and I did say sorry to you! (Actually, my hand had accidentally brushed against her)
Yeah you did! but tell me, what will you do to sugar now? Will you put her out in the rain? Will you throw her in the garbage truck? What will you do?
[Okay, now this needs some explanation. On Monday, after bringing chini back from school, sugar had started throwing tantrums and had not wanted to enter the house. "Home is boring", she had said. It was raining and Monday, being the trash pick-up day, after much cajoling, I had said that she can stay outside in the rain, if she wants. Sugar, in fact, was very happy. To which, chini had got much agitated, "No! Don't do that to my sister! the garbage truck will come and pick sugar up and throw her in fire .. like Andy's toys in toy story 3!!" Sugar was excited with the idea of hitching a ride in the garbage truck and the fire truck. Only her sister's protests and convincing made her rethink and both the sister's got in the house, holding hands. Garbage truck actually crushes things before taking them to dump in the fire, mommaLater, she had told me. So, never again talk about leaving her outside on a garbage day! As I had marveled over her immense observation and the sister's bond, the matter, for me, was over.]
What will you do, momma. Answer me.
Why do I have to give you both consequences for everything? Why can't you do just as I ask, in the first place?
Because.. Ok. I will help you. I will ask sugar to come.



Now tell me what will I do?? What should I do??

Timeless Facts

Timeless Fact I

Babies are capable of rendering such a heart-wrenching cry that it would take your wits off and bring tears to your eyes!


Timeless Fact II

Babies are capable of rendering such a heart-melting smile that it would take your worries off and bring twinkle to your eyes!

A discovery

My Chinipie made a new discovery today. and she was absolutely thrilled by it!! Really, you could see it on her face. Babies are so inquisitive by nature. Anything new captures their interest so soon and bores them equally sooner. DH's colleagues had sent a bucket of goodies on Father's Day. Along with candies and fruits, were bibs and rattler for the baby. I thought this is the best time to introduce the rattler to her. The rattler is very lovely, with a little tiger sitting on the top. So, for the past two days, I was trying to hold her attention rattling it and making roaring sounds. Rattling did not charm her but the roars did! Eventually, I thought, my baby is a very unusual baby and may be doesn't like the rattlers or would like them a little later when she would make me go crazy with throwing the rattler down to the ground and gurgling as her mom picks and gives it to her every split second (some weird imagination, huh!! seems like i can't wait for my baby to grow up!!). Anyhow, I shunned the idea of using the rattler as a rattler and started using it as a prop instead. I held conversations with her holding the little tiger by its tail and roaring every once in a while. I also named him "Sherkhan, the tiger" (jungle book creature, if you remember). My conversations are nothing but silly mumblings like

" I am Sherkhan the tiger. Roarrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I will eat you up. Roarrrrrrrrrrrr (with the tiger going to her cheek or momma going all ga-ga over Chini's face and Chini with an amused look on her face)"

Now, this little girl of mine is very talkative and an intent listener! She dries up my throat, literally, with all the talking that she makes me do!! Today, as I was again putting up this act of mine, Chinipie was kicking her legs and arms, a definite sign that she was enjoying this while her momma's throat had started aching with all the talks and the roars. So, I just held the tiger by its tail and sat for a while looking at her. She, in turn, looked at the Sherkhan intently. "Wow!", I thought to myself, "This might be the beginning of her getting to know the rattler as rattler!" and in excitement I rattled the Sherkhan by its tail. She just kept looking at it and then at me and then started kicking her legs and arms again. There goes all my hopes and Sherkhan would always remain a roaring Sherkhan! But wait!! In her excitement, her arms boxed Sherkhan and poor fellow fell (I was holding the tail lightly, you see) with a, not roaring but rattling, sound. And this captured her attention! She stopped kicking and boxing and looked at Sherkhan as I picked and held the poor creature by its tail in front of her, then she looked back at me and then again at Sherkhan. Very cautiously, she brought her hand near it and touched it lightly; Sherkhan made a rattling sound but didn't fall off this time! Again, a look at Sherkhan, then at momma, and action repeat - with the blow growing stronger. Sherkhan again rattled, exciting her. With a gurgle, she repeated all the sequence and discovered that she can actually box with her hands, looked at momma with eyes filled with the joy of discovery and got back to fist the Sherkhan - poor Sherkhan, obediently rattled away every times he fell off and silently came back to hold his place in front of her - only to be fisted again!


Here's a snap of her, as she enjoys boxing Sherkhan down!

LAWS OF BABYHOOD

First law of Babyhood

When momma is exhausted to the point of dropping and thinks of taking a quick nap, the baby would grace her with a heart-melting smile (there goes momma's sleep!!).


Second law of Babyhood

Whenever momma thinks that baby is happily sleeping and she can catch up with some work, the baby will get up and start wailing.


Third law of Babyhood

When momma takes the diaper off the baby either to give her some nudie time or to change the diaper, the baby decides to shower the house with her offerings (in other words, pee-pee and poop-poop)